You don’t want a divorce

You’re around 40, and many of your friends’ relationships are ending. When you look at your own relationship, you also see plenty of reasons not to be happy with it. It feels like you have disappeared within the relationship. Yet, you still love your partner somewhere deep down, and you really do want to continue your life with him. But only as yourself. You want to feel seen and appreciated again. You want to be the woman you are, even though right now, you’re not even sure who that is anymore.

It seems like two conflicting desires, staying in the relationship and being true to yourself, but you are determined to do what it takes to make both possible: to be the woman you are and keep your relationship.

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Do you recognize this

1. You finally have time to look at yourself again. Now that your kids are older, you’re thinking about the best schools and education for their future. Unintentionally, that makes you reflect on your own life too. And you realize something’s really off in your relationship. You crave connection. You want to do life together. But you feel invisible. It’s like he has no idea what you spend your days doing.

2. Your parenting visions are drifting apart. As the kids grow, the differences in how you see parenting become more obvious. You want to raise them together, but instead, you feel like you’re constantly advocating for your child’s best interests against your partner’s perspective. That’s lonely. Where is your teammate? The person you were supposed to raise these children with side by side? That loss hits deep, and it’s painful not just for you, but because you also feel he’s not truly seeing the kids either.

3. You make all the decisions. Your husband decides if he’ll work out or grab a beer on Friday. But every other decision, from what’s for dinner to where you go on holiday, falls to you. You don’t want to be the decision-maker, but if you don’t do it, nothing happens. So, you make choices based on what you think he would like or approve of. And then you wonder: Where am I in all this?

4. You watch your divorced friends come back to life. Sure, there was a painful phase, but now they’re rediscovering their hobbies, going on trips, making exciting plans, and taking initiative at work again. You don’t want to walk the same path, you don’t want to leave your husband, but you do realize you have a problem. Because if you were to separate, you wouldn’t even know what you’d do. You don’t even know what your own desires are anymore. You feel trapped in a relationship you don’t want to leave but where you’ve lost yourself.

We’re more often on opposite sides than standing together. I work myself to the bone, and get no appreciation for it. I don’t feel seen. But if I’m honest, when I look at my divorced friends I don’t even know who should be seen. Who am I, if I had the freedom outside of this relationship? If I no longer had to constantly adapt? I honestly don’t know anymore. That’s a terrible feeling. It’s all so contradictory. I’m a highly educated woman. At work, I make decisions, I know what I stand for, and I feel more appreciated than I do at home. I don’t want a divorce, but I also don’t want to stay in this relationship the way it is now. I want to feel the same appreciation at home that I get at work, even though I know I’m working below my potential there. Something needs to change, because continuing like this will lead to a divorce.